Power of Positivity

So there I was on August 25, 2004 hearing one of the greatest sales pitches I’ve ever heard up until that point. The decision I had to make was a tough one and the salesman in front of me was very convincing. He went on about all the pros in saying yes and the very few cons in saying no. At the end of the day he won me over and I decided to go with yes. The difference was this wasn’t some guy trying to sell me a timeshare or a new car. This salesman was someone that I respected and have known for a very long time. The salesman was me and the decision was whether or not I should stop pursuing my dream of playing professional basketball and start coaching.

Now that might seem a little weird to you, but to me being my own salesman is perfectly normal. Sometimes you have to convince yourself to do something that you’re either unsure of, scared of, or don’t know what the outcome will be. In those situations you need to become the best salesman you can be. That afternoon in August I convinced myself that coaching is what I needed to do. Now obviously I had some help with my decision, my wife was the first person to plant the seed in my head that I could do it, but ultimately it was up to me to make the decision. I needed some convincing. When I talk to the kids we work with at Crossroads or our guys at Blair I try my best to give them life lessons that apply not just on the court, but off the court as well. One thing that I tell them to do when it comes to making a big decision is to make a pro’s/con’s sheet. You put a line right down the middle of a blank piece of paper and from there you list all the positive and negative things about your decision. If the pros outweigh the con’s then sometimes it makes the decision a little easier. You have to sell yourself on the idea first before you can fully buy into it.

Think about your life. How many things have you excelled in without giving 100% effort to it? Some people are naturally talented and can get away with coasting for a little while, but in the end it catches up to you. If you want to be “great” at something you have to convince yourself that you’ll stop at nothing to achieve that greatness. I want to be a great coach. I don’t want to be mediocre or even good. I want to be one of the best coaches that have ever coached the game of basketball. I have written this goal down on a piece of paper and stored it away in my house. For this goal to happen I have to sacrifice, with sacrifice comes struggle, and with struggle comes doubt. So for me to get through this doubt I have to sell myself that being a great coach is really what I want to do. I have to understand that the hours I put in the gym training kids, the days I get up at 5am and don’t stop going until 10pm are going to be worth it in the long run.

I am becoming obsessed with what makes successful people tick. The head coach at Blair who I work for calls it their “make up”. Most successful people have a one track mind when it comes to accomplishing their goals. They focus in on that one thing, and nothing else is as important. I remember telling my girlfriend in college that I sleep with my basketball; I used to keep it on my bed. One night she asked me if I could put it on the floor, I politely said no and explained to her the priorities in my life. God, my mom/family, and basketball. I made a deal with myself my junior year in high school that I would play professional basketball, and there was no way I would ever break that contract. Was I a little crazy? Yes. Am I a little crazy now? Yes. But once you convince yourself what you want (if you’re driven) it’s very hard not to put everything into that goal.

Now your inner salesman can work the other way as well. People convince themselves every day to do things that are harmful. Picking up that cigarette, eating unhealthy, doing drugs, etc. That’s why you have to make sure that your salesman is there to help not harm you. Sometimes you’re convinced to do stupid things. I still remember when I shaved my head, and convinced myself that all the other freshman basketball players in college did the same thing so why shouldn’t I. Oh how I wish I could go back and slap myself. If I had a pro’s and con’s sheet back then I could of saved myself some embarrassment.

The key is knowing that you control your decisions at the end of the day. No one else but you. You be the salesman in your life, unless you’re hurting yourself. It was hard for me to convince myself about coaching, but at the end of the day I made the right decision. My salesman had my best interest in mind, and that’s how it should be.

When I was growing up my generation did everything possible not to be considered old school. Everyone had to have the newest sneakers, clothes etc. I grew up wearing pro keds because we didn’t have money to afford pumas. I accepted the fact that because of the money situation at home I probably wouldn’t have a pair of two toned jeans in my closet or a cross colors shirt. Flash forward to the current year and everything is “throwbacks”. Every popular trend that happened when I was a kid growing up is resurfacing now. Never in my life did I think I’d see kids today walking around with hi-top fades. For those of you who don’t know what that is google image “kid n play”. Every where I go I see my childhood staring back at me. I guess everything is old school now except one thing, mindset.

If you read my blogs you know that my mom has been a huge influence in my life. My mom is a country girl from Virginia. She grew up working on cotton fields,going to school, and helping raise four other siblings. I would sit and listen to stories about how hard she had to work to help put food on the table, or how she fought two boys at the same time and won. I always admired her work ethic and how she handled anything life through at her. I didn’t want to wear bellbottoms like my moms generation did I wanted her work ethic and toughness.

When I was little my mom made us work for what we wanted. Nothing was just handed to us. When I was in sixth grade me and my brothers wanted to buy this game called lazer tag. I think it cost about twenty dollars each. We didn’t even bother asking my mom for it, instead we worked construction with some members of our church to earn the money. That was old school. It’s what my moms generation did their whole lives. It was nothing special and it’s what was expected in the Thomas household. Nowadays everything is given and not earned. Kids today don’t have to work for what they want. The athletes that have great work ethics these days are called, “throwback players”. They’re throwback players because of the lack of work ethic in the majority of this generation as a whole.

When I was ten years old I remember riding my bike at shop rite and falling down a pretty steep hill. My lip was busted and my jeans were ripped, but the only thing I thought about was how mad my mom was going to be at me for breaking my bike. When we would fall and get nicks and bruises my mom would put some alcohol on the cut and send us on our way. God forbid if someone falls today. I’ve seen parents run on the basketball court doing actual games because their kids fell. I can’t see Tina Thomas doing that one.

The other day there was a story in the news about a ten year old taking in by the authorities for punching a classmate in the stomach. When I was growing up fights were just part of growing up. I don’t believe in kids punching each other in the face but scraps happened. You would fight your buddy,be mad about it for an hour or so, and then get over it. You didn’t have people putting it on You Tube or coming back and shooting each other because of it.

It would make sense that out of all the things this generation could pick up from the past they would choose fashion over work ethic and toughness.

I started to notice it after my freshman year in college. I started to realize that besides my family and friends nothing else really mattered to me anymore. I didn’t care about anything else but being a basketball player. I became obsessed with the sport. I no longer felt the need to go out and party with my friends. If I didn’t have a basketball workout to do then I’d allow myself every once in a while to hang out. My last two years of college I went to a total of about four parties and only one of them held my interest longer than thirty minutes.

I could only see in two directions. I could see backwards because I never wanted to be the player I was yesterday, and I could see forward because I had a vision of the player I always wanted to be. Other than that nothing else was on my radar. Why would I go on a vacation if there wasn’t going to be a basketball hoop there? How can I take two days off to go to the shore? I would not compromise my game just to take some time and relax. That wasn’t in my plans. So everything was put on hold. I kept thinking if I took a time to relax someone else wouldn’t be. The paranoia made it impossible for me to do anything but train as hard as I could. Tunnel vision had set in and it wasn’t going anywhere until I reached the light at the end, or I died trying to get there.

My tunnel vision is what made me a good basketball player, but at the same time it blinded me from the rest of the world. I never took advantage of my surroundings. It didn’t matter if I was in New Jersey or North Dakota I was going to be in one place and one place only, the gym. When I started coaching I took the same work ethic me, and threw myself into any book, DVD, or clinic I could find. Vacations didn’t happen, how could I go on one if I want to have a winning season next year? I always had a voice telling me that time off meant slacking.

Fast forward about seven years. This summer alone I’m taking two places (god willing) off my bucket list, Europe in June and (thanks to a friend) Hawaii in August. Just three years ago I would of never let that happen. I would of made every excuse in the book why I couldn’t go. Thankfully I realized something two years ago. Life is a ticking clock that starts from the moment we’re born. At some point in time like it or not the hourglass runs out. Due to unforeseen circumstances that time can be cut short. What if I never gave myself the opportunity to see what’s around me? I couldn’t imagine my last moments on earth thinking how I wish I could of went out an experienced more.

We wake up every morning with a to do list before we even brush our teeth. That list can take the whole day and night if you let it. Imagine having that list 365 days a year? When does the time for you come? I believe that sometimes you have to make time to do the things in life that you really want to do. Instead of making excuses why not we should be asking ourselves, how could I not?

Tunnel vision is great in a lot of ways. It helped me become the person I am today. It helped me surpass a lot of people that started out better than me (at basketball) because I worked so hard. The problem is my vision was still blurred. I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. Imagine never looking at your surroundings and only looking straight. Let me know how crossing the street works out for you. That’s what tunnel vision is like.

Allow yourself to enjoy life. Don’t look back and regret that you never gave yourself the chance to look in every direction not just straight ahead,

Last Wednesday was my birthday. For all of you that were not reminded by facebook and forgot it’s ok, I’ll be fine. Starting at midnight and continuing throughout the day I received text messages, phone calls, emails etc wishing me a happy birthday, and I also got the occasional “getting old” joke here and there. Most of my close friends and family members don’t need facebook to remind them. The people really close to me also know just like all the other birthdays in the past the one last week to me was just another day.

From the moment we’re born all of us are given a special day. I came into this world on April 18th. I think my mom said it was sometime around 3 o clock. I’m not exactly sure how I celebrated that first birthday party, but I can only imagine my mom was happy that it was over. Growing up my mom’s religion did not celebrate birthdays or holidays. So it wasn’t until my senior year in high school (when I didn’t got to church as much) that I started to get actual presents on the day I was born. I never looked at birthdays as anything that special. I understood that it was another year of being alive, but if that was the case we should celebrate every day.

So when I was asked last Wednesday what I was doing for my birthday, I gave everyone the same answer I have been giving for the last 7 years or so. “Waking up, working out, training kids, running practices, going home, and then going to sleep.” Even though I celebrate birthdays now I still feel like April 18th is just another day. My goal on the 18th was just to make it to the 19th and so on and so on. Every day in my mind should be a special day.

When I woke up on the 19th I felt the same way I did on the 18th, great. I was ready to go out and learn something new, help others, enjoy my family and friends etc. If you look at every day like it’s your birthday than how could you possibly have a bad day?? There are people that get bent out of shape on their birthday because the day isn’t perfect. “I can’t believe it’s raining on my birthday.” “This guy actually cut me off on my birthday.” “My birthday sucks my shoelace broke.” Think about how many days you’ve woken up and haven’t had a perfect day. Now because it’s your birthday it makes it worse? If it was the day before it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I think you determine the day you’re going to have. Now obviously there are things that are out of your control that can affect the kind of day you have. It’s hard to have a perfect day if your house is swept up by a tornado or you lose someone close to you. I’m referring to the days where you’re in total control. When little things occur that might ruin your day otherwise (flat tire, late to work, bad test grade, etc) move on from it. If I let every little thing effect me in my life I would be miserable every day. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by where I don’t have to deal with something that could change my mood from positive to negative if I allowed it.

Every day to me is my birthday. I’m excited when I wake up, and I’m happy when I go to sleep. So it’s not about the date to me it’s about the day.

I could not possibly of written this blog without the help of my wife. She is the cause of ninety percent of my backseat driving. For the record she is a pretty good driver, but throw in the fact that I might have some control issues, and that in my mind she still is getting used to driving in New Jersey (it’s been 7 years) and you have a recipe for disaster. I find myself constantly grabbing the “oh crap” handle when she drives. I see openings that I’m certain she doesn’t see, and I can’t believe how many cars she’ll let past her before we actually pull out of our house and onto the main road. This I know can be annoying, and somewhat hazardous but it was almost like I need to go to rehab to get over my constant backseat driving. Which I’m much better at now I might add.

Now admittedly there are some times when this does flare back up. Especially in traffic, or if she’s looking at an animal on the side of the road while we’re still moving. (Nature girl at heart), but I’m so much better at sitting back and letting her do the driving. The ironic thing is when I first started driving my mom used to do the same thing to me, and I couldn’t stand it. We would be in an empty parking lot and somehow I wouldn’t be slowing down enough for the other cars. When I would try to explain that the other cars were 100 yards away on the main road I would just get the infamous “Thomas look“. That meant, “You might want to stop talking now”. Flash forward a few decades later and here I am doing the same thing.

Now I can look back at it and laugh. Part of driving with someone is the fact that you trust them enough to safely navigate the both of you to whatever destination you’re going. What we back seat drivers don’t understand is that if we’re in the car with them in the first place doesn’t that mean there’s a level of trust there already? We all have experienced backseat drivers in our lives be it parents, friends, co workers etc but what happens when it goes beyond the inside of your Prius? How about the people that try to take the wheel in your actual life?

When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to do in life. I wasn’t sure if I would study business like my brother Ronald, or become a cop like my father and brother Rob.. I was all over the place. It wasn’t until I found basketball that I actually started going in a direction. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you don’t know the exact location you’re going as long as you start to take steps towards it. One of the great things about my childhood was my mom never forced me to try and be something I didn’t want to be. I deal with a lot of parents through Crossroads and it’s amazing how many kids play basketball because their parents want them to. The kid no longer has the wheel and the parent has already locked their future into the GPS.

Now when children are younger you want to help them find what path they would like to go. My mom never gave me ultimatums even when I was in college. She never said well you can be a police officer or a doctor that’s it. She understood that sometimes you have to try a couple of different routes out before you find the one that works for you, and that’s exactly what I did. My degree is in “general studies” which basically means I had no clue exactly what I wanted to do. I studied business until my junior year and then switched to public relations/communications. I needed 126 credits to graduate and I had about 150 because I tried out so many different electives.

When I got out of college I knew that I was driving the car and no one else. That’s a good feeling to have. I wanted to play professional basketball; I didn’t care what potential backseat drivers said about my chances or how hard it was to get a contract overseas. Playing basketball is what I wanted to do so I made sure I was in control of the steering wheel. Once I got injured and started coaching I again told myself this is what I’m going to make my career. Now my backseat driver at that time (my wife) actually told me to get into coaching, and helped me make my decisions. It’s o.k. to have people in your life that give you advice and help you along the way. It’s your job to make sure that they not only have your best interest in mind, but that you’re also not letting anyone control your life without your input.

At the end of the day I know that I’m the one responsible for the decisions that I make every day. Unlike in my car when I can blame a wrong turn on a faulty GPS my life decisions are made by me and me only. Sure I might have some advice along the way but I want to be the one who decides my future.

About 8 years ago I used to work in a pharmacy. No I wasn’t a technician and I definitely wasn’t making the medicine. The part of the pharmacy I worked in was called the “sin counter”. I sold cigarettes and lottery tickets. Everyone that knew me thought it was hilarious that someone who would never touch a cigarette would be selling them for seven hours every day.

When work got slow I would read and there were plenty of books I finished during my employment at the pharmacy. I worked that counter for about five years on and off so I knew most my customers very well. I used to feel bad for them. They would come in and buy two packs of cigarettes, and then the next day they would buy the nicotine patch. We would talk about how expensive cigarettes were getting, but each day they came and purchased their favorite brand. I coined my counter as the “addiction counter”. I had what they needed so in my five years there I never really had a mean customer when it came to cigarettes.

Unfortunately on the other side of my counter was a lottery machine. For a solid month I pretended that I didn’t understand how to work the machine, just so I didn’t have to be bothered with the customers that demanded their numbers every night. “No I said straight and box you just made them straight”, “This is not a quick pick, I asked for a quick pick 4″. After my “trainer” realized that I could count and had eyes my little plan of escaping the lottery machine failed miserably. So every night I sold my cigarettes to my happy customers and prepared for war with the lottery customers. Everything was pretty manageable until around May 2002.

The Big Game ruined my life at the pharmacy (well for 3 days). It was a new lottery game that spread throughout a bunch of states so the reward was like one hundred times more than any of the other games. So now instead of me selling some tickets here and there I would have waves of people waiting to purchase Big Game tickets. Luckily it was drawn on a Friday so I had from Monday to Wednesday to actually read, Thursday and Friday became World War 3 at the “addiction counter”.

Now every once in a while I’d get a ticket and sometimes I would even get one of the six numbers that would come out. (Sarcasm) I never thought I would win but it raised a question in my mind. What if I did? What if one day the ticket that popped out the machine actually had every number correct? I would have customers come in and say things like. “Hey if I win this me and you both will never have to work again”. I would laugh and say ok sounds good. When some of my regulars would come in I would see their eyes light up when talking about the one in a gazillion chance of them winning. Elaborate houses and cars, never working a day in their life again, lavish vacations etc etc. Back then (before I started coaching etc) who knows what I would have done with that much money, but now that I know my career path I know exactly what I would do. The exact same thing I’m doing now.

I hit the lottery eight years ago. I found out what I loved doing (coaching/training), got married, and started doing what I think I was brought on this earth to do and that’s help others. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would still coach, I would still train kids, and I would still do my best to teach kids how basketball is a reflection of life. How they can use the same struggles on the court and apply them off it. The difference would be how much money I’d be able to give to people who needed it.

I don’t live a lavish life; I’ve never been a materialistic individual. I own a watch somewhere and the last piece of jewelry I had was a necklace my mom got me when I was in high school (sorry mom it broke but I still have it somewhere) I would pay off my mom’s house, give all my siblings enough money so they didn’t have to worry about bills etc. Then I’d give money to each and every great person I have met over the years that are struggling to make ends meet. (I actually have a list in my head) Then I would randomly go to people that need it and give them enough money for them to change their lives. Everyone deserves a second chance. I think a lot of people fall onto hardship by missing that first one or messing it up. I would make sure that they’d get another one.

It’s tough to give money to churches and schools sometimes because you want to make sure the money is going in the right place. I would give anonymous donations to as many as I could. I think most my time would be spent giving the money away. I would keep a little away for (little Cornell or little Cornella) just kidding on the girls name but I’m fine right now so I wouldn’t need to much. What would you do?

When you win the lottery how many stories do you hear about people giving back? That’s not to say that some don’t but I never hear a lot of stories about people who do. Money is very funny to me. How much you have determines (for the most part) how you’re viewed by society. How many eulogies that are read say the amount of money someone is worth? “Here lies Ted the millionaire”. When you die you can’t take it with you. All your possessions everything stays on Earth. The pharaohs in ancient Egypt would bury their treasures with them, and later those tombs would be looted and robbed. It doesn’t matter how much money you have when you’re alive, we all have empty pockets when we die.

The lottery to me is being able to wake up to people I love, being in good health, and doing something I love to do. I didn’t even have to buy a ticket.

I used to do the same thing millions of people all over the world do every morning. I would wake up and immediately turn on the news. As I was getting dressed or brushing my teeth the news would be the only other sound going through my house besides the sink. Where else could I find out what’s going on in the world? This routine abruptly stopped sometime around last year. Now I’m not saying I never watch the news, I just spend a lot less time paying attention to it.

At some point in our lives we’re swayed. It might be by our parents, teachers, or maybe our peers but we start to believe everything we see. We forget that mostly everything has more than one layer. I used to love and hate the pictures back in the day that you could stare at to see another picture inside of them. I would stand in the mall when I was younger and almost go blind trying to finally see the hidden picture. The difference was back then I knew what I was looking for. I knew that there was more than what I was looking at.

The news to me is just surface information. How could you possibly report on the war in Iraq and in the very next sentence talk about what famous celebrity couple just broke up? No one told me when I was growing up who controls the media. No one told me when I was growing up that not everything I see on the news might not be the whole truth. I have had friends and family members dismiss clear facts by saying, “well it was on the news so it must be right”. Really?

A couple of months ago Conan O’ Brien (talk show host/comedian) said that he was going to have the first gay marriage ceremony on television. Conan’s costume designer and his partner were going to marry in New York while the Conan show was in town because it’s still illegal in California. As word of this hit the airwaves the media was all over it. If you go on you tube and type in “Conan gay marriage news reports” you’ll see about a hundred clips of different reporters from different news stations saying the same exact thing. It’s actually kind of scary. It’s like they all called each other up and said “hey this is what we’re going to report tonight”.

I’ve always been a person that asked questions. I feel that I can’t learn unless I do. Now the intimidating thing about asking them is what if you don’t like the answer you receive? That to me is a big fear for a lot of people and also why instead of asking questions most people just go with the flow. They don’t want to “rock the boat”. Well what if the boat is already sinking? Then what? I’d rather rock the boat then ignore the fact that I’m going down with it, and in the world we live in today I’d say its sinking pretty fast.

There are moments in my life that I will never forget. A lot of them coincidentally from watching it unfold on the news, the o.j trial, L.A riots, Sept 11th, hurricane Katrina and other events. I never realized how much “spin” was put on all these moments once the news covered the stories. They had helicopters flying past people stranded during hurricane Katrina, and nine eleven. During the L.A. riots they posted up and filmed the carnage as it took place. Have you ever noticed how many times a news crew actually helped someone in a time of crisis?

When we were kids the first question we ask is why? Why can’t I put my hand in the electric socket? Why do birds fly? Why can’t my doggy talk? etc As we grow older we stop asking why, and I feel that’s a mistake. If no one ever questions anything then those in power can do everything.

I’m not going to go into all the conspiracies that have tarnished our countries name and will continue as long as there’s a planet earth, but I will say this. Keep not only your eyes but your mind open. Don’t accept everything you hear or see. Do research on anything that you might have a question about. I read two books on JFK because I couldn’t believe that a president could get assassinated less than 50 years ago. What I read opened my eyes and mind to things that I never could have imagined back in high school when we studied it. After that let’s just say I never looked at Lee Harvey Oswald role in the assassination the same.

We’re only given a short amount of time on this earth, don’t go to your grave with questions.

At this early stage in my career I had no idea that most juniors were almost automatically put on varsity just because of the grade they were in. You typically didn’t see that many juniors playing JV (junior varsity). The night before tryouts I probably slept a total of thirty minutes. I had never been at a tryout before in my life and even though I knew a lot of the guys that would be trying out with me I still had a ton of nervous energy. Once I got to tryouts I ran harder than I ever had in my life. I was about 6ft3 at the time and finally started to get a little more coordination. Tryouts or (double sessions) is a tradition in high school basketball, the trick is not eating your face off the night before at Thanksgiving dinner. So for a lot of kids that like to eat (like me) it was a huge sacrifice.

By the second day I felt fine and there were three Varsity jerseys left and four juniors. One of the other juniors had been playing since his freshman year so I expected him to get one (I was right) the other one was someone the coached liked a lot and had also played since his freshman year so despite him not being very skilled I could see him getting one also (right again two for two) now it was between me and this little five foot four genius of a kid who never really played basketball before. I by no means was Michael Jordan but I knew that I was way better than this kid, so I had to get the last varsity jersey right? (Make that two for three I was wrong) The coach didn’t give me too much of an explanation because there really wasn’t anything that could be said, instead I took my junior varsity uniform and the chip that has been with me for over two decades introduced itself to my shoulders.

My mom never called the coach to ream him out, I never stormed into his office and demanded an explanation from him, and I definitely didn’t quit. I told myself that I was going to work harder to prove him wrong. My mom was pumped that I even had a jersey to call my own. She didn’t care if it was varsity or junior varsity she was just proud of me for making a team. That slight and the ones that would come after made me the person who I am today. Whenever I didn’t feel like working out or training I would think about all the people who didn’t believe in me. Then I would think about the two people that did, my mom and me. I don’t know who I would be today if I didn’t go through those hard times.

Flash forward to the present day. Nowadays every kid feels a sense of entitlement. If they don’t make a team their parents will complain until they do, if they don’t start on that team then the coach all of a sudden “doesn’t know what he’s doing”. Working with kids and coaching them I have seen it all. The good, bad, and the ugly. The kids we have had that were the most successful have parents that either one don’t know a lot about basketball, or two just want their kids to be happy and work hard. They realize the life lessons that can be learned through sports.

Sports mirrors life more than you know. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. There are times when you get treated unfairly; there are times when you have a teammate that doesn’t care about anything but themselves, or a coach that doesn’t believe in you. Now think about this. In life do these things happen? Do you have bad co workers sometimes? Do you have a boss that looks you over and doesn’t treat you the right way? You can name thousands of examples. This is why when you look at a lot of the CEO’s etc in the world today at some point in their lives they played an organized sport.

Two weeks ago we had tryouts for our AAU team (Crossroads Basketball) we had over 350 kids’ tryout for 18 teams. We ended up having to “cut” 125 kids. Now we never turn kids away, we offer them an alternative way to train and get better. We have a program called “Skills and Drills” where the kids that didn’t make the cut can work with us and get their games better by next year. After we posted the teams I immediately had a million emails and phone calls regarding the kids that didn’t make the cut. Some parents thanked me for the opportunity and inquired about the skills and drills session, others bad mouthed our program and couldn’t believe their kid didn’t make a team.

I don’t take to many things personal in my life, especially when the other person is acting out of anger. I give them the benefit of the doubt and figure in a couple of days they will be more rational and understand exactly why we made the decision we did. I was right in about 85% of the negative emails, I would check our website and see that a lot of them signed on for skills and drills (close to 50 now) I thought to myself, these are parents that are not going to allow their kids to give up. You got cut ok so now what are you going to do about it?

The ironic thing is I was one of those kids. I know exactly how it feels to not make a team. I felt for the kids that worked hard and didn’t make it but we live in a world where you have to be strong to survive and not everyone gets a medal. I can only hope that I’m on some of these kids shoulders right now as they work hard to prove me wrong next year.

For the past nine months there has been a war waged in the Thomas household. A power struggle that has affected the lives of everyone that lives here. Seven years ago when my wife first moved to NJ she was working from home. I decided that it would be a great idea to get her a companion to keep her company while I was away coaching basketball. The apartment we lived in at the time didn’t allow dogs so I got what I thought would be the next best thing, a cat. Eventually after accumulating scars on my body that I will have for life and listening to weird episodes with a bear my sister got me as a present the cat grew on me. Flash forward to nine months ago when we decided to purchase a dog. I’ve wanted a dog for about seven years and the new place we moved to allows them. So we got a boxer. Our cat has been on its own for seven years and adding a super hyper puppy as a roommate I guess wasn’t on the lease he filled out. Throw in the fact that Oz (the cat) is about twenty pounds and Marlo (the dog) was around the same when we got her and you got a war waiting to happen.

Like two parents that have seen enough fighting between siblings we’re at the point now where we just let them “figure it out“. As long as neither of them gets injured then it’s all good. I often wonder what it would be like to live with someone that I couldn’t communicate with for the rest of my life. There’s no way Oz and Marlo can talk things out if there’s a problem. Marlo can’t say, “Hey Oz I know I’m new here but how do I get the tall people to take me outside even when I don’t have to go pee.” All they can do is just read each other’s actions physically. (Sometimes Marlo doesn’t pick that up right away)

It’s amazing to me how hard it is for people that speak the same language to actually communicate with one another. I’m in a profession where communication could be the difference between winning and losing. If I don’t know how to explain to my team what play we’re trying to run at the end of the game then they won’t be able to execute it. You can watch any sport and see examples of coaches that don’t know how to get through to their players. You’ll look at a team and say, “Wow they’re so talented how do they not win games.” Communication is usually a big reason why they don’t. There’s a disconnect between coach and player or coach and team. The coach needs the players to “buy in” to his/her philosophy and what he/she wants them to accomplish. You can’t be successful without that buy in and you can’t get it without being able to communicate.

The same things go on in the business world. As a new business starts up another one closes. Communication is usually a big reason why so many fail. How many companies have employees that actually know what their trying to accomplish?? Most business s have a hierarchy and communication is kind of like the “secret game” that you played in elementary school. You start on one side of the classroom and tell a secret and by the time it gets passed through the whole class it’s something completely different then what was originally said.

We have become a society where we no longer know how to talk to one another. Boss to employee, teenager to parent, teacher to student etc etc. Words are replaced with omg, lol, smh and any other abbreviation you can think of. Face to face conversations are now emails where words get misinterpreted and don’t have the same meaning.

Besides being a coach I also train kids for basketball. I can’t talk to my sixth grader like I do my sophomore in college. I have to tweak the message without losing it. It helps me become a better communicator. I have to deal with kids from all ages and backgrounds. Some kids you can yell at to motivate them and others you have to be more encouraging with to build their confidence. I didn’t understand that when I first started coaching. Every kid was the same in my eyes. If one guy could do something at a certain speed then everyone should be able to. I didn’t know how to communicate with the kids that couldn’t, I just thought they were being lazy and would just yell more. Once I realized that everyone was different and not everybody reacts to the same thing it made me a better coach.

I think another big reason why so many people are bad communicating is because no one actually listens to what the other person is saying. (Especially when both sides are arguing) If you take the time out to try and understand someone else’s point of view it makes communicating a whole lot easier. When my brother and I used to fight growing up, it was over the stupidest reasons in the world. Neither of us wanted to hear what the other one was trying to say, so how did we handle it? We fought, and how did my mom handle it? She made sure we couldn’t sit down for a week. It took me a very long time to be able to actually listen to his opinion and then tell him mine. Instead of trying to yell over what he was saying.

I’m always trying to learn how to become better at communicating. When I go to coaches clinics I usually envision myself up there talking to thousands of coaches about the game of basketball. I wonder if I would be able to reach most of them through what I’m saying or would my words be lost in translation.

Irony happens in all of our lives sometimes on a daily basis. Two days ago I traveled to Hartford Connecticut to see one of my former players play in what could of been the last game of her college career. This is a girl that I’ve known and trained since she was a sophomore in high school, so It was a special moment for me. Out of high school she ended up getting a full scholarship at the University of Maine so I never got a chance to see her play in college until the other night. As I sat in the stands I just envisioned the uncoordinated girl that walked into our gym so many years ago and couldn’t believe that the woman I was looking at could of ever been that player. Her team won a very close game and she played great, the whole time I was texting my wife updates on how she was doing. When you get an opportunity in your life to see someone come full circle its a very special moment. Driving the six hours (back and forth) was nothing in comparison to seeing her play that night.

Ironically that next morning as I sat in the hotel getting ready to leave a documentary came on T.V. It was the story of a little boy named Budhia. At the start of the documentary he was three years old and had run dozens of marathons already. Budhia was from the “slums” and his mother sold him to a man for money. Another man named Biranchi saw Budhia bullying a kid one day and made him run for punishment. He told him to run and went to work; when he came back Budhia was still running. Biranchi then bought Budhia from the man that owned him and got the idea to make him into a marathon runner. Intrigued and shocked I watched the story play out between teacher and student.

Biranchi had Budhia stay with him and his family and gave him more attention than his own son. Every day they would get up and train. Biranchi had no coaching experience in running but he became Budhias coach. Budhia was idolized in his village and looked at as a hero. Biranchi had him doing television commercials, music videos etc all at the age of 3 years old. As the documentary went on I started to ask myself if Biranchi really cared about this young boy at all or if he was just obsessed with the attention he got from him. At the age of 5 Biranchi had Budhia run 42 miles in ninety three degree weather as cameras and thousands of people lined up to watch him. At the end of the race as Budhia (clearly exhausted) started slowing down, Biranchi urged him to run another couple of miles to the stadium where they would have a ceremony for him. Budhia collapsed before he got there and if there weren’t medics on site he would of surely died. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. How could a “coach” or “trainer” put a child’s life in jeopardy just to promote themselves. Biranchi would get money from television stations, shoe companies etc so they could use Budhias name and image.

Towards the end of the documentary child services took Budhia away from Biranchi and his mother regained custody of him. There were court battles and a lot of media involvement but eventually Budhias birth mom gained custody. The government did not like the attention that Biranchi was getting and even paid for Budhia to go away to a prestigious school in India. Part of me wanted to believe that deep down inside Biranchi cared for Budhia but I felt he might of cared more about the attention and money instead.

The documentary flashed forwarded two years and Biranchi was murdered outside of his home. When the media interviewed Budhia he said that he was very sad to hear that his coach died. He started saying things that Biranchi did for him like give him food and a place to stay but not one tear left his eye. That told the story for me. Budhia didn’t cry for the loss of his coach. That didn’t mean he wasn’t sad but he never had that emotional connection with him.

I see these things happen (on a lower scale) all the time. Coaches or trainers that use their players fame to promote themselves. Do they really care about the kids or is it just because it benefits them? How about the kids that aren’t prodigies? Would you do the same for them as you would your “superstar”.

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to work with so many different kids over the past 7 years. For every potential “Budhia” we’ve had there has been hundreds that end up being just decent players and that has always been fine with me. It’s not always about the destination it’s about the journey, and if I can teach kids to become better people on their way to being better basketball players then I’ve done my job.